New Beginnings...
I'm not really sure why I titled this post "New Beginnings". I just felt like it. I guess the summer is beginning. And so is the rest of my life. And I'm cool with that. So here it is, to new beginnings.
And I'm not really sure what I want to write about here... that's a new beginning too, since I'm usually full of things to BS about. Well, sometimes aimless streams of thought tend to be the best. When I was in elementary school, they had us all do some sort of an IQ test. I scored the best out of some group of kids (I want to say it was best out of the city, but later I met some girl that also claimed she had scored best out of the city so I'm not sure), and my friend that I always sat with scored the worst. The school psychologist saw both of us separately, and had us answer some more questions. He had me write 20 things I hate about school. When I started running out of ideas after about 10, he told be that what is left is the best part. So maybe now that I've run out of ideas on what to talk about, something good will come out.
That of course was a long time ago, and since then my IQ has suffered consistent abuse through various forms of brain damage. And I can really tell, you know? I think differently now, and I don't think it's only due to the difference in age. I don't think the way I think is any better or worse, it's just different. I can't focus very well any more. Unless I have fifty different things to think about, I can't think about anything. Well, women excluded... I never lost my capacity to get lost in a woman, and lose sight of everything else. Maybe that's why I like to do that so much, it's my only way of escape from the world.
Well, maybe not the only way. Sometimes I get lost in myself. Or with myself? I don't know. I've had some of the most fascinating conversations with myself. We come up with a lot of crazy ideas, I and I :-)...
Ahh, ideas... it's funny how people take ownership of ideas. Something so ephimeral, so unpalpable, so untracable, and yet we love to say "that was my idea!". So silly... one of the many human ways of desperately trying to grasp reality, as if we really have any fucking clue about what is going on.
You know what this might be a beginning of? Me sitting back, enjoying the ride, leaning into all the curves, and sticking my arms all the way out. Or have I been doing that all along? No, I think I've been worrying to much about whether the belt is safely tightened and the shoulder restraint is all the way down. Maybe it's time to forget about them.
And I'm not really sure what I want to write about here... that's a new beginning too, since I'm usually full of things to BS about. Well, sometimes aimless streams of thought tend to be the best. When I was in elementary school, they had us all do some sort of an IQ test. I scored the best out of some group of kids (I want to say it was best out of the city, but later I met some girl that also claimed she had scored best out of the city so I'm not sure), and my friend that I always sat with scored the worst. The school psychologist saw both of us separately, and had us answer some more questions. He had me write 20 things I hate about school. When I started running out of ideas after about 10, he told be that what is left is the best part. So maybe now that I've run out of ideas on what to talk about, something good will come out.
That of course was a long time ago, and since then my IQ has suffered consistent abuse through various forms of brain damage. And I can really tell, you know? I think differently now, and I don't think it's only due to the difference in age. I don't think the way I think is any better or worse, it's just different. I can't focus very well any more. Unless I have fifty different things to think about, I can't think about anything. Well, women excluded... I never lost my capacity to get lost in a woman, and lose sight of everything else. Maybe that's why I like to do that so much, it's my only way of escape from the world.
Well, maybe not the only way. Sometimes I get lost in myself. Or with myself? I don't know. I've had some of the most fascinating conversations with myself. We come up with a lot of crazy ideas, I and I :-)...
Ahh, ideas... it's funny how people take ownership of ideas. Something so ephimeral, so unpalpable, so untracable, and yet we love to say "that was my idea!". So silly... one of the many human ways of desperately trying to grasp reality, as if we really have any fucking clue about what is going on.
You know what this might be a beginning of? Me sitting back, enjoying the ride, leaning into all the curves, and sticking my arms all the way out. Or have I been doing that all along? No, I think I've been worrying to much about whether the belt is safely tightened and the shoulder restraint is all the way down. Maybe it's time to forget about them.
posted by Stjepan at 10:36 AM
6 Comments:
Totally confused and hopelessly flawed:
I diagree that you have been living your life with any degree of safety. In fact, I happen to belive you have been living your life with out any brakes (as in car brakes), let alone no seat belt...sometimes taking what seem to be foolish risks, shamelessly and spontaneously following what ever it is that drives you to feel intensely widh I happen to believe is the only way to really live. But from what you are saying perhaps you have been living life under the illusion that you are in control (I'm not so sure I believe this is true for you either but..).
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very perisitent one" -Albert Einstein.
I also happen to believe that control is a very persistent illusion, one I persistently and annoyingly attempt to engage in, albeit unwittingly, despite countless life experiences that indicate my efforts are futile.
Unfortunately for me, letting go and freedom, I have found, are elusive. It's one of those things that you feel for a second and when you realize you are feeling it, its gone!!!. Its all a state of mind... The irony is that I have found that the more I try to attain them the farther away they become, the less I try to attain them the more I am likely to exprerience them....therefore my belief that control is an illusion and any attempts to control only hinder what it is you are trying to achieve.
In any case, I hope this new venture rocks your world to the core...
as always, ILU
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you" -Carl Gustav Joung
Can you believe I miss spelled "Carl Jung"
I am truly hopeless
A million apologies
In a lot of ways you are right. But there would always be that one final climb, the one that goes through a tunnel, and you can't see what's on the other side. And every time I'd get to that point, I would clutch on to everything I could, close my eyes... and press the panic button, stop the ride, and go back to the beginning.
This summer, I want to decide what I want to do the next time I reach that last climb. Some day, I want to see what's on the other side of the tunnel.
some day, I will see what's on the other side of the tunnel.
I just watched a very stupid film on the plane recently called "National Treasure" with Nicholas Cage (duh, i should have known at that point it was going to be a lame ass movie) despite it's lameness, I was still and am always intruiged with murder mystery/action adventure type films....this one was about a treasure hunt that the founding fathers established way back when, when they were signing the declaration of independence. Nicholas Cage and his father, and his father's father had all been searching for this huge treasure...of course everyone else in the world who heard them talk about the treasure thought they were crazy and easily dismissed them at all clues that pointed towards the treasure...even Cage's father
(Voight) had given up hope and kept telling Cage, "I've been searching my entire life and each clue only leads to a different clue, but there is no treasure...only clues, and now I feel as though I have wasted my entire life hoping and looking for an amazing treasure and here I am a lonely old man..." but by the end with close examination of every clue at every turn, with careful inspection of every incident, and at the last possible moment when all hope seemed to be gone...alas they found the treasure, which was far greater and vaster than anyone could have ever imagined...
yes, a typical Hollywood film ending no doubt...but I took from it two perspectives....
A. That you can give up looking for the treasure, because it seems totally illogical and caused you too much heart ache, you don't want to wait a lifetime for something that might not pan out despite all the time and energy you spent looking for it, and because you are tired of seeming like a crazy fool. or
B. You can search for it....spend a lifetime devoted to a journey full of action and adventure and a road that leads to riches far beyond your wildest imagination. And along the way you may appear like a crazy fool, spend a lifetime looking for whatever it is, and continually be questioning yourself..but what the heck else are you going to do with all that free time?????
so keep climbing and searching the tunnels....
this is all from a bird's eye perspective
It's always good to hear what things look like from a bird's eye perspective :-)
And yes, I think I have decided that the next time I come up to the tunnel, I will take a deep breath and start walking through...
Until then, I guess I'll keep searching for the tunnel, and see what life reveals to me on the way.
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